2020 - The Good, the Bad, and the Moments to Remember

Who would have thought 366 days ago that we would have lived through a pandemic and spent most of the year hiding in our homes, washing our hands, and going back to our cars because we forgot our masks?

Many years from now people will be talking about how they lived through 2020. It will become the year we use to benchmark other years, referring to "before" or "after" 2020. It's been a long time since just saying the name of the year caused a bad taste in your mouth.

Even with COVID and the isolation it produced, not all of 2020 was awful.

I started the year with high hopes. My word for the year was healing. I planned on working to heal my broken heart and emotional state. Reservations were already made for two conferences through the National Fallen Firefighters Foundation. It was going to be the first time going such a long way by myself, meeting new people, and stepping out of my very comfortable zone. Thank you corona for putting the kibosh on those! Because all in person meetings were canceled, the NFFF started weekly Zoom meetings to bring together the survivor family. Through these meetings I had the chance to get to know many people, share my story, and perhaps help others going through similar circumstances. I've been able to get more involved in the programs they offer and feel some of those cracks in my heart and soul close up just a little. So, I guess healing was happening anyway, just not how I thought it would.

Since September 2019 I have been anticipating the birth of my first

grandchild. I had already imagined waiting at the hospital, holding that little bundle of just born goodness, and getting those first day pictures. Again, thank you corona for crushing those dreams. Even though I wasn't at the hospital, or even in the same town, when Addilynn came into this crazy world, I was able to see her and talk to my daughter thanks to technology. I have certainly made up for not being there for her first days. My retirement status has allowed me to be her caregiver while her mom is at work and dad sleeps after working overnight. That little girl has done so much to bring back joy to my life and help do some more of that healing.

Just in case a pandemic and changed plans weren't enough to put a damper on the year, along comes breast cancer. By the grace and mercy of God, it was small and taken care of with a lumpectomy and radiation. Unfortunately, because corona kept everyone isolated, I had to go through it all mostly alone. Being dropped off at the front door for surgery, then getting picked up at the back door before I'm fully awake was not the most calming situation. Going through surgery and radiation showed me how strong I can be when necessary. Of course, this period of my life called for actual physical healing, but seeing how I could handle such a frightening ordeal without Maddy by my side also caused a little more emotional healing.

As we say goodbye and good riddance to 2020, I think it's important to see the good that has happened this year (although you may have to get a microscope or clear the tall weeds to find it). I realize many people have lost loved ones, through COVID or other reasons. Some have had major events like graduations and weddings canceled or reimagined. Others have worsened mental health issues due to the isolation. Hopefully, no matter what has happened to you this year, you can find at least one sliver of a positive outcome that occurred.

May 2021 bring healing to your heart, peace to your mind, and comfort for your soul.