Making Burdens Light

Grieving the loss of a loved one can be a difficult and daunting journey. No matter your relationship to the person - whether parent, child, spouse, sibling, or friend - that loss produces strong, and sometimes debilitating, emotions. The survivor may have difficulty being in groups, celebrating special occasions, or completing the simple daily tasks that were routine before.

Not only do those experiencing grief deal with these changes to their normal life, but they also feel like they are carrying these burdens alone. It is difficult to talk to someone, even a close friend, about the new emotions and stressors that have developed since the loss. Most people are there for you with a sympathetic ear right after the death, and maybe even for a month or two after. But others get on with their busy lives and don't have as much time to listen, or the conversations become awkward. I was always careful who I shared with because I didn't want them to think, "Oh no! Here she comes again! She's such a downer." There's also a feeling that the other person is judging you. Perhaps they think you should be "getting on" with your life, or they give an opinion of how you should be feeling or living.

The problem with most of the people we associated with before our loss is they haven't experienced what we are living through. They don't have first hand knowledge of the thoughts and feelings you now have. They haven't walked this path. You will have some who are very empathetic and sincerely want the best for you, but they don't personally know what you are dealing with.

Many who are grieving see a therapist or counselor. While this may help to sort out all the different things pinging around your head, unless they too have suffered the loss you have, they can't relate to you.

So what can a grieving person do to cope with all that comes with the new life the has been thrust upon them?

For me, the best thing was getting together with other people who have a similar experience. First, I attended a Griefshare course. I thought it would be good to share and listen to others who miss a special person. Unfortunately, I was the only person who attended. I learned some things from the videos, but I didn't find that personal connection I was seeking.

It wasn't until I attended a retreat for those who had lost a firefighter that I finally felt like the healing was moving forward. I could share my feelings and frustrations to a group that nodded their heads because they had been there. Listening to others gave me a sense that I wasn't alone. What I was feeling was "normal".

Over the past few years I have been able to get together virtually every week with other widows and talk about grief, family, or whatever funny thing happened in our lives. It's a place I know is free of judgement and full of support. I call it my "free therapy". I have also been able to meet back in person with others who have suffered a loss. We've talked about our people, our struggles, our victories, and our new lives.

I was able to attend the National Fallen Firefighter Winter Retreat and Tree Lighting in early December. This gathering of survivor families was able to participate in activities to honor and remember not only their person, but all the fallen. We had many opportunities to meet new people and learn more about each other. I also had the honor of speaking at the tree lighting ceremony, telling stories about Maddy and the holidays.

What I've come to realize is that by sharing my story, I'm sharing my burden. Every time I meet someone new and tell about Maddy, I feel a little lighter. As I listen to them tell about their person, I feel some of their pain. We take on some of the others' load when we sincerely listen and show we care.

Not only do we share our burdens, but we also share our strengths. By listening to how others have learned to walk this new journey, those new in their grief gain new tools to cope and new hope for their own journey. It gives a new outlook for the future.

If you are doing this thing called life, you are going to have some burdens. It may be finances, relationships, work, or those "honey do" projects that aren't getting done. Sometimes pride or fear keeps us from sharing our burdens with someone. Maybe it's embarrassment or not wanting to be a bother that makes us keep it to ourselves. I encourage you to find that person that can help make your burden lighter. Find a friend, pastor, counselor, or colleague to talk to about it. If it involves work to be done, ask a handy person for help. Whatever burden you are lugging around, make it lighter by sharing it. Let someone assist you in carrying it, or even taking it off your hands.

We will wear ourselves out physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually by continuing to try to carry all our burdens alone. Even the strongest person has to rest eventually. If you aren't sure where to begin, may I suggest prayer. Take your burdens to the Lord. He has big shoulders and is ready to help you.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30