Baby Steps

When a toddler begins taking those first few steps, many times the initial attempts end up with a landing on the rump. Some sit and cry, waiting for someone to pick them up. Others get back up on wobbly legs and try again, not stopping until a step or two is taken. We clap, cheer, and take videos or pictures, capturing the moment for posterity.

Taking steps to begin a new life after a traumatic event feels like those first baby steps. You feel like more than just your legs are wobbly. Your emotions are taking you in many different directions. Anxiety tries to keep you right where you are. Self confidence has you questioning whether you can even take a step, and if you do, will you do it right?

At some point a child has to let go of the coffee table, sofa, or even Mommy's hand and take those first steps alone. As adults we have to let go of whatever our "safety blanket" is and venture out into new territory. Now, when you first begin, you may need a hand to hold as you take those precarious first steps. This is where a good friend, or in my case my daughter, comes in handy.

This summer I took a baby step toward my new life. Every summer since we were married, Maddy and I went on a vacation. When the bank account was low, those trips may have been local and low budget, but we spent time together. As children came along we went to more family friendly locations, or we left them with the grandparents and got away on our own. The best thing we ever did was buy a fifth wheel camper. We got our first one when the girls were young. It had its own bunk room just for them. We took it camping at the lake and across the country. Vacationing in that was more relaxing and we could have more of our own stuff. As the kids got older and we were on our own we upgraded to a "grown up" RV with a king size bed and recliners. I wouldn't trade those times for anything. But now I have to do vacations without him. I sold the camper because I couldn't pull it. No more long road trips being the navigator and getting a few books read. No more naps while rolling down the highway.

Last year on our way back from our Glacier/Washington trip, I told Maddy that since we bought the National Park pass that we should go to the parks in Utah as soon as school was out the following year. We decided that was a good idea and we'd plan it out in the spring. Well, of course that wasn't going to happen as I had planned, but it didn't mean it couldn't happen with a different plan.

Alison and I ready to begin our adventure.

I convinced my daughter to go and do the park tour with me. Honestly, it wasn't that hard to convince her to go on a free trip! Instead of campgrounds and RV parks, I was reserving hotel rooms. Instead of planning meals, buying food, and packing the fridge, we ate at restaurants. I never had to limit myself with clothes and shoes because I could get a bunch in the camper. Now, I had to pack in a suitcase and be particular about what went in.

I have a new appreciation for all the driving Maddy did all those years, and he was pulling a large trailer. I don't really like to drive for long distances, but I'm learning. Alison took over the navigation job, keeping me on the right path and finding the cheapest fuel. Every camper we passed on the road made me a little sad, but I told myself to keep looking to the future.

Over the years we have gone to many national parks and hiked many different trails. Maddy always walked behind me (in case I fell) or on the "danger" side, always putting my safety above his. During most of our hikes this trip I couldn't help but look back to see if he was still behind me. I like to think that in some way he was. I kept hearing those "Maddyisms" that always were said on the hikes. If we were going up a steep hill he'd say, "Put it in 4 wheel drive." When we would see wildlife, it was,"I need my gun." If I was getting winded he'd tell me, "It's not that bad."

One stop on our journey took us to Monument Valley where many movies have been filmed, especially John Wayne westerns. We stayed at a lodge with the cabin he used in the movie "She Wore a Yellow Ribbon". Maddy loved John Wayne and would have loved to see it all.

The hike to Delicate Arch was a challenge, but worth it!

I'm not going to tell you that this trip was a wonderful experience and I had no emotional swings. I often thought, "If Maddy was here we'd be doing _____". I saw many things that I knew he would have loved. Many times I told myself to remember to tell him about something I saw. Luckily, I was able to tamp down the emotions and enjoy the time. I continually prayed for God to protect us and show me a way to live my life without Maddy.

Overall, this trip was a good "first step" for me. Maybe in the future I can find some other road companions to make the trips with me, or I might just try one on my own. I know I'll need to "walk" for awhile before I start to "run".

On a side note, this was a nice trip to do with your spouse, family, or BFFs. We had a great time, saw so much beautiful scenery, and got lots of hiking done. Throughout the post I've shared some of the pictures. I'll leave you with some more below.