Did They Really Say That?

Sometimes situations arise when we think, "I don't know what to say." At this point one of three things usually happens - either we say or do nothing, we somehow come up with something to say that is helpful, or we say something that is far from helpful, maybe even harmful. I will confess to doing all of these at one time or another. Some people tend to lean heavily toward one response. They have a standard reply for any situation. Unfortunately, that reply may not always be the best.

Perhaps you have been in a situation where you have received one of these ill-advised comments. If you are like me your first response is an internal, "Did they really just say that?". Sometimes you have to take into account the person saying it and his or her motivation. There are some mean, cruel people in the world that will use any opportunity to make you feel small. Some are ready to jump on the chance to try to make themselves seem better than others. Then there are those who honestly think they are saying words of comfort, when in fact they are far from it.

Probably the most shocking thing I heard since this began was not actually spoken to me but was discussed with others. At the visitation the night before the funeral someone was contemplating whether I would remarry since I am so young (Well, that part is debatable!). I couldn't believe someone would be discussing this in the same room where my husband is lying in a casket. More recently, my daughter was asked if I was really okay or if I was just putting on an act. Luckily I haven't heard many questionable comments, but I know others have. My initial reaction is disbelief that I just heard that, then I usually smile and go on. Sometimes I will take the comment and turn it into a better response. For example, I had a very sweet lady, who has a heart of gold, tell me after the new year that, "I know this Christmas was bad." I explained to her that it wasn't bad, just different.

Often people will try to use scripture or a spiritual comment to comfort. This is wonderful as long as the scripture is accurate and helpful. I discussed this with a friend recently. One comment she has heard is, "I guess God needed him more." God doesn't need us, we need Him. I knew when my husband died that he was with God, but even some faithful Christians don't want to hear about their loved ones in heaven. They still want them here with them. Saying he or she is in a better place is not a comfort. "It was just his/her time to go," is not helpful either. And unless you have been in the same circumstance you shouldn't say, "I know how you feel." I have discovered that each person will take your words differently. What may be a comfort to some may be considered unwelcome by others.

So what do you say or do when someone is grieving the loss of a loved one. First, acknowledge the loss. "I'm so sorry for your loss", or "My condolences" are used frequently. I was lifted by people telling me how they admired Maddy and how much he meant to them. Stories that were shared were a comfort. Let them know you are available to talk if they want, admit you don't know what to say, or just listen to them without comment. If the bereaved is okay with it, a hug can do wonders. Be sensitive to those who are not comfortable with that though. Even now, when someone tells me they have been thinking of me or praying for the family, I feel a peace. I tell them all prayers are appreciated. Remember them weeks or months later with a card or text. Knowing that someone still cares is very uplifting.

If you find yourself in a situation where you are trying to comfort a grieving person, just remember what Mom used to say, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." Don't be like Job's friends and wife. Encourage, comfort, and listen. Seek God's guidance and wisdom for the right words to say.