Guilty, Your Honor

When we were young and did something we weren't supposed to, there was usually a guilty look on our faces. Moms and teachers are great at getting to the truth. If you are both, like me, then your truth radar is extra sharp. Guilt is one of those emotions that can plague a person's soul if it is allowed to fester. We know that if we confess and ask forgiveness it feels like a giant weight has been lifted. But what about those times that you feel guilty, but there really isn't a transgression against another person? You feel like you are dishonoring someone by removing things or getting rid of something that belonged to them. This is the kind of guilt I have wrestled with from day one. I felt that if I laughed or joked with someone in those first days after the accident that others would think I was unaffected by Maddy's death. I still feel that way at times.

At first I felt bad when I erased the programs he had set to record on the DVR. I didn't want to watch "Gold Rush" or any of the fishing shows. I contemplated whether to reset his program for the Tahoe, but I told myself he wasn't going to be using it. That twinge came when I was taking some of his clothes out of the closet so I could put mine in, but I kept telling myself he wasn't going to wear them anymore. Those moments come several times a day, sometimes over the smallest thing.

There are some things I know I have to be practical about. I had always told Maddy that if something happened to him I'd sell his "toys". I couldn't pull the fifth wheel camper. I didn't need a fishing boat. The big pickup was more than I needed and was really set up for pulling the camper. It's okay if someone sits in "his place" on the loveseat. We only have so many places to sit. It still pinches my heart though. I'm sure, over time, that feeling that I'm being disloyal or uncaring will fade.

I know this feeling of guilt is common after the death of a loved one. I also know that it isn't healthy or warranted. Just like grief, each person deals with guilt differently. I try to tell myself that I have nothing to feel guilty about. I even tell myself that Maddy would do the same thing. This is just another example of the war between the practical and emotional sides of my brain.

I wish I had an easy answer for alleviating this feeling of guilt, but I will continue to work through it. I have to remind myself that it's okay to go on with life. That's what Maddy would want. Those daily talks with God will be my biggest help. I know He is with me, wrapping His arms around me.