I'm Sorry, Mom!

My father passed away February 1, 1997. I was 29, married, and had two young girls. I was sad to lose my dad at the relatively young age of 66. I was especially mournful that my girls would never know what an awesome Grandpa they had. Since he had been having health issues for a little over a year, his death wasn't a complete shock, but we were still not prepared to lose him.

I'm a lot like my dad. He gave me my quick wit and sarcastic nature. We spent many hours watching TV together, sitting on the porch, or talking about my plans for the future. He was a great guy. In fact, I always tell people I married my father, because Maddy was so much like him.

I've always been a level headed gal. I don't get overly emotional as a rule. When my father passed away I didn't break down. I wasn't sobbing uncontrollably. In fact, I don't think I cried at the funeral, although I did at home (I don't like to cry in public.). Losing my dad meant a loss of family history, a loss of the guy who would fix anything for me, and a loss of the person who gave good advice. All of those traits and more would be missed for many years.

As much as missed my dad, I didn't realize how different the loss was to my mom...until now. My mom lost the person she had been married to for almost 40 years. She lost an income. She lost her confidant and roommate. She lost her way of life.

At the time I didn't see his loss through my mom's eyes. I projected my feelings and emotions onto her. So when she showed signs of depression, I didn't understand why. I hate to admit that I was one of those "It's been (fill in the time). She should be over it by now." people. I was among the group that likes to tell the grieving when they should start living life like "normal" again. I left the funeral with my husband and went back to a basically normal existence, while my mother went home to an empty house, an empty bed.

I didn't understand at the time. I understand now.

I wish I could apologize to Mom. I want to tell her how wrong I was. I need to tell her I'm sorry for not calling or coming by more often. I want to tell her that her feelings of depression were normal.

Unfortunately, I can't tell my mom anything anymore. She passed away about a year and a half before Maddy's accident. There are nights I talk to her, but I know it's just for me.

Maybe she and Dad are up there swapping stories with Maddy. Maybe God has told her all the times I've talked to Him about my regrets. I hope so.

Mom, I'm sorry I didn't understand Dad's loss through your perspective. Unfortunately, I now have a very clear picture of what it was like for you. Hopefully, from this point on, I can take my new perspective and help others who are on this journey. Maybe I can even educate others to see the grieving through a different lens.

I love you, Mom! Give Dad a hug for me!