One Year

Time is a funny thing. I've heard it said "The days go slow, but the years go fast." I believe that! I don't know how my girls are already in their 20s. They were babies just yesterday! I couldn't possibly have graduated high school 33 years ago (The 80s were only a couple years ago, right?).

As an elementary teacher I know many days felt like an eternity. Some weeks felt like a lifetime. When we are waiting for news or important information, time seems to slow down. The days leading up to a vacation seem to crawl, but the days away fly by.

This past year has gone by in a blur. I really can't believe it's been 365 days since my world was knocked off its orbit. Looking back it doesn't seem like that much time has past, but as I think about my day to day existence, it has been a long road.

This is the last picture we took together. I wanted to stop here because I told him every day with him was paradise!

On one hand I feel that if I got through this first year, then the rest should be easier. On the other hand I know that I didn't get to this anniversary without battle scars, emotional baggage, and heartache - all of which will be accompanying me into year two. I do know that I am not the same person I was one year ago. I have had to become a person I didn't know I could be; and, in some ways, a person I didn't want to be. I've had to become more independent, yet more dependent on others. I've become more compassionate and empathetic to people going through a life changing situation. I've had to get out of so many comfort zones to forge my new life. I've also had to learn to be alone, eat alone, go places alone, and get used to the silence.

I made it through the year of "firsts" without him: my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, the girls' birthdays, Valentines Day, spring break, vacation, his birthday, our anniversary. Each one a milestone, but I know every year will still be difficult.

I still catch myself trying to remember something so I can tell Maddy. I sometimes forget and anticipate his arrival home from work at 3:30. This summer I kept waiting for him to text me about going to lunch. Time will help retrain my brain to new habits, but when you've done them for so long, a year is just not long enough to get a new routine.

Each day has had its own trials and triumphs. From dealing with insurance people and household issues to doing major outdoor projects and hosting our women's group, I've had days of learning and personal growth.

I've seen the caring and compassionate side of mankind. Family, friends, my church, and strangers have offered kind words, help around my house, and a shoulder to cry on.

Living each day has been slow and sometimes painful. I've woken up in the morning wondering why I'm still here and can't wait until it's time to go to sleep. At night when it's time for bed I try to delay sleeping because that's when I'm the loneliest. As days and nights blend into each other I feel like a cartoon character whose legs are going fast but it's not moving.

Going forward is a conscious effort I have to psych myself up for each day. I know I have things that need to get done. I have people counting on me for different reasons. I know that no matter what, I have to keep living, and that's the hardest thing.

I hope in the last year that I have had a positive influence on someone. I hope that maybe someone else can take comfort in the words I have shared. Maybe someone has changed his or her life in some way because of Maddy.

One year has not changed my love for him. I still miss him fiercely. One year has also not changed my faith in Christ and my belief that He walks with me, holding me up when necessary. He is wiping my tears and laying a new path before me. I don't know where that path may lead, but I trust that it will take me to a new life that He has prepared for me.