Step by Step

When I picture stairs, I sometimes imagine a sweeping grand staircase, possibly with double staircases coming down onto the middle landing. I can see a bride standing at the top, or a princess, or a debutante, or Cinderella, waiting to descend to the awaiting crowd. Okay, so maybe I've watched too much Disney and Hallmark in my life.

Looking up the stairs at Cape Hatteras lighthouse.

Another picture that pops in my head is a spiral staircase; one you stand at the bottom and look up through the middle to see where it will take you.

My favorite set of stairs belong in my childhood home. I grew up in an old, two-story home, built in 1920, before air conditioning, insulation, and electrical outlets were popular. To get to the upper floor you had to climb twenty steps. (You spend 20 years going up to your room you count them and remember!) These steps went up and around, curving twice. You can't grow up in a house with stairs without sliding down on your bottom! I made countless trips down those stairs on my bottom, thumping on each one, turning carefully at each corner. My brother and I had so much fun! As we got older we added bouncing a ball down the stairs and racing to see which would land at the bottom first.

No matter where the staircases are located, they all have a few things in common. They take you to another level, they require a little effort to ascend, and the rise to each step is equal. The length of rise may differ from staircase to staircase, but the steps are uniform on each set. When walking on stairs you don't have a one inch step up then have to stretch up 10 inches.

When talking about grief, many compare the stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) to a staircase. For years I've heard about these stages and how you should move from one to the next in a uniform amount of time. I don't know about all the research, but my personal experience and conversations with others tell me that's far from reality. Not only do you not move through each stage at an even pace or in a certain order, you may not experience every stage. I never felt angry or bargained to try to change the outcome. Some people may start with depression and then move to denial. Grief cannot be put in that nice little graph.

I liken the process of grief to a game of Chutes and Ladders. You might be moving ahead just fine, almost reaching a goal, and then WHOOSH!, you slide back down and have a down day. One day you may go ahead one step, the next day you jump up 4.

The grief staircase may not have uniform steps, but it is similar to a regular staircase in the other ways. By moving forward through your grief, you can move to another level or goal. Maybe this set of stairs is short, but if you climb them, you will be that much farther on your journey. If you stand at the bottom of a staircase and just look at the top, you will never get there. You have to take that first step, then the next, and then another. Just like climbing a big set of stairs requires a lot of effort, going forward after a loss is challenging not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. There will be some days you don't want to look at the stairs, much less climb them. Other days you plug along, taking step after step. You may also have days that every step is painful, but you hide the pain from those around you because you don't want to be a burden to anyone else.

As you make your way through your grief journey, you might decide that the steps are too hard and painful. You may look up and think the next level is too far away. You may say it's not worth the effort. Just like any difficult situation, burdens are made easier with help. Our load is lighter when it is shared with someone. A task becomes less tedious when we have a friend to talk to while we toil away. Find that person who can help lighten your load. Give a burden or two to a friend who wants to help. Share your thoughts and feelings with a confidant, counselor, or pastor. Most importantly, lean on the Lord in times of trouble. Pray, read scripture, and cast your cares upon Him. If you aren't sure where to start with this, ask someone close to you or send me a message and I'll point you to some scripture that has helped me.

Grief is a journey, not a sprint. You don't get over it; you go through it. We have visited Seven Falls in Colorado Springs a few times. I was always proud when I made it up the steps, no matter how long it took or how many times I had to stop and catch my breath. The view from the top was spectacular!

The journey through grief is similar. Be proud of the littlest accomplishments! Celebrate the small victories! Each one means you are moving forward.