The Green Eyed Monster

I wouldn't say that I'm a jealous person per se. I mean, yes, growing up I wished I was a "normal" height instead of being as tall as the Jolly Green Giant's child. There were things that my friends had that I wished I had, but I didn't spend much time thinking about it.

In the last three years I have found myself feeling jealous more often than I'd like. I'm not talking Fatal Attraction, stalker type jealousy, but the emotion is there, just below the surface. When I see posts on social media of my friends celebrating another wedding anniversary, that green eyed monster starts peeking over my shoulder. Happy couples holding hands, enjoying life, remind me of what I'm missing. I know intellectually these moments are exactly what I want people to do - make memories. Emotionally, my heart hurts for my loss.

One thing I have had to remind myself repeatedly is that, unless I become a hermit on a deserted island with no internet, no cell service, and no Hallmark channel, I will not be able to avoid happy couples. I will see them on social media. I will see them at church or the store. I see them in my family. I can't avoid seeing love in other people. What I'm going to have to work on, probably for the rest of my life, is my response to those images.

I have learned that it's okay to have that little twinge of jealousy. The key is to keep that feeling under control. Keep that green eyed monster at a distance. It's okay for it to peek over the fence, but don't open the gate and invite it in for a barbeque.

So, when I see your post wishing your spouse a "Happy Anniversary", I'll wish you many more happy years while silently wishing I could have another year with Maddy. When I see a family having a great time on vacation, I'll hope those memories will last a lifetime while mourning the lost moments I will never have.

I'm doing better keeping my monster on a short leash. Hopefully I will soon be able to find it a new home altogether.