Things my grief has taught me...

Growing up I was fortunate not to be touched by the loss of close family members or friends. We didn't live close to extended family or older relatives. I didn't attend a funeral until I was in high school, and that one was as a member of a choir providing music.

It wasn't until my senior year that I experienced my first taste of grief. My best friend's father succumbed to injuries sustained during an attempt to rescue a man while working as an EMT. He was like a second dad to me, as I had been friends with his daughter since 3rd grade. I even attended their family reunions! His loss was hard for me, but I knew it was harder for his family.

At that age I was focused more on his daughter than his wife. I worried about her emotional state after losing her father. Since I had no personal knowledge to draw from, I could only imagine how it would feel to lose your father before graduating from high school. I later felt the loss of my own father, but that was after he saw me graduate from high school and college, walk me down the aisle at my wedding, and see his two granddaughters. My grief was not like hers.

I watched my mother after my father died. He had been dealing with the affects of a stroke for a little over a year before he passed from a pulmonary embolism. I saw my mom cry, be scatterbrained, search for documents, and have trouble making decisions. I knew her grief was the underlying cause. But after a few weeks, she still had some of these behaviors as well as some depression. I couldn't figure out why she wasn't getting back to "normal".

Oh, how I wish I could apologize to her. I want to go back and offer the support that I now know she needed, but was unaware at the time. I was busy with a 1 and 3 year old, a husband, a teaching career, and all the other things that make life hectic. I didn't know that she needed to feel included in that life.

So, now that I have joined the Major Grievers Club, what have learned?

The first and biggest thing my grief has taught me is that everyone's grief journey is different. Losing a child is different than losing a sibling, is different than losing a parent, is different than losing a spouse, and so on. Your age at the time of the loss changes the grief. The age of the person you lost changes the grief. Your relationship, their health, and the amount of time you knew them are all factors that determine your grief. My father-in-law's grief over the loss of his son was not the same as mine over the loss of my husband. When my grandparents died I wasn't as emotional as some are because I didn't know them well. While you may feel sad at the passing of your 96 year old relative, you realize that was quite a long life. Everyone has different emotions and expresses them in different ways.

My grief journey has also taught me that others have different expectations of what your grief should look like. Whoever decided one year was the magic amount of time to "get over" your loss must have never lost someone. I've also learned to ignore what others say, even if well meaning. Grievers do not want to hear, "They're in a better place." or "God must have needed another angel." My grief has taught me that sometimes the best thing to say is, "I don't know what to say." I've also learned that saying nothing is worse than the trite sentiments.

While losing Maddy was traumatic, I've found that grief comes with secondary losses that can be just as difficult. I didn't just lose the physical person, I lost my sense of security, the future that we'd planned, my best friend, my constant companion, and my sounding board.

Because of the road I have walked, I've become more aware of others' grief and more compassionate to the loss they feel. I understand the feelings and emotions they are experiencing since I have had similar ones.

I've learned to enjoy the little things in life. No moment with a friend or loved one is trivial. Soak it all in and appreciate the time together.

Looking back on my life with Maddy I'm glad we lived with no regrets. We spent time together, said "I love you" often, and shared with each other what was happening in our lives. As he left to answer the fire page that evening, the last thing I hollered to him was, "Love you!"

The last four years have taught me that time moves differently when you grieve. For me it hasn't been four years; it was yesterday. When you are living knee deep in the pain of grief and loss, clocks and calendars are how other people mark the passing of time. We mark another birthday or holiday without our person. We put things in two categories - before and after. Night is when we go to bed without the one we shared it with, and morning is when we wake up, reach over, and find an empty pillow. No, time is different for the griever.

One of the biggest things I've learned on this grief journey is that I'm stronger than I want to be because I have to be. I can live alone, but I don't like it. I can do the "Maddy" jobs, but I'm tired of doing it all. I can put on the "happy" mask and reply "Fine" or "Good" when asked how I am, even though I am far from it. I put on that brave face for the world, but it slips off when I'm home alone with my thoughts, because I've also learned that I don't have to be strong all the time. It's okay to let someone else in and let your emotions go. Pride can take a backseat when you need help.

The most important thing I've learned is that I could not have gotten through any of this without my faith. Prayers, both mine and from others, have helped me get from one day to the next. Scriptures have bolstered my confidence that He is with me, and I can keep moving forward. I don't know how people go through deep grief without faith in God. I know I wouldn't be where I am today without Him.

While I have learned many things from this grief process, I can honestly say that I would have been fine and dandy being ignorant of them all. The cost of this education was a little steep for me. Since I can't go back and change the event that started all this, I guess I will take my newfound knowledge and help others along the path. Because I have also learned that this road is easier to travel with an experienced guide.