Welcome to the Club

Since early in our childhood most of us have been involved in a club of some sort. Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, or a sports group were the most popular. As we got older more school clubs became available. Glee club, church youth group, FFA, FBLA, Spanish Club, Science Club, and many more were available depending on your interest. Each group consisted of people who were interested in the same subject or had a common experience. In college there are sororities, fraternities, and more clubs than you could ever imagine. As adults some may join a Country Club, social club, or book club.

Of course, there are "clubs" we belong to because of life experiences. When you become pregnant you automatically join the "mom-to-be" club (or the "don't touch my belly" club as my daughter would say) which then leads to the "mom" club. Maybe you fall into the "soccer" or "dance" mom group. Perhaps you are a "gym rat". We have groups for different occupations like teachers, nurses, first responders, or military. Then, of course, there are the groups for the spouses of those occupations. No matter your interests, job, or life, there is a "club" for you.

Each group has a different theme, but they are made up of people who have something in common. We enjoy getting together with people who share a similar background and knowledge. We love to vent, rant, or commiserate with others who are going through similar experiences or have already been there, done that, and have the T-shirt. For some it's better than therapy!

Most of the time you voluntarily join these groups and enjoy the fellowship with other members. But what about the "clubs" you are automatically accepted into without applying and that you never wanted to be a part of?

When you suffer the loss of a loved one, you join that group that you never wanted to be a member of. Within that club there are subgroups based on the relationship you shared. You might be in the "widow" or "widower" category. Perhaps you'll join the grieving mother or father group. Maybe the group of those who lost a mother or father is where you belong.

No matter which one fits you best, it's a club you want to quit, but you can't. You are a lifetime member, like it or not. Unfortunately, this club comes with a high cost of membership.

What I have discovered, though, is this club can be a lifesaver. If you can get together with others who are going through similar circumstances you can form a bond and friendship like no other. These people "get it"!

I've known several women who have lost their husbands due to accident or illness. I could sympathize with them. I could imagine what they were going through. I thought about how I would feel if I lost Maddy and had an inkling of how they were feeling. Then, I went on with my life and didn't think about them much over time. I now want to go to them all and apologize for my lack of compassion and for not following up days, weeks, or months later. I get it now. I thought I knew how I would feel if I lost Maddy. I had no clue! Never in my imagination did I come close to the hurt, the pain, the loneliness, the utter loss. Yeah, I get it now.

Being able to talk to others who have lived this life and walked this road is important to me. I feel like I can really open up about my thoughts and feelings with them because they know what I'm going through. They get it. I don't want to burden my friends with all my weight and make them feel sad, or worse, pity me.

I have recently (unfortunately) been able to be that experienced voice to a friend who lost her husband. I was able to give her advice about paperwork, keeping all the entities straight that would require all the paperwork, how to handle the here and now, and then what to do later. I've been able to use my experience to help someone else going through similar circumstances and it gave me a sense of purpose. We have gone out to eat, visited each other's homes, and talked for hours. Hearing that someone else has had the same thoughts or feelings makes you feel less alone and that maybe you aren't crazy.

Sometimes we sit on the outside of a group, wishing we could be included and accepted. The "Grief Club" is one that people watch from afar and pray they never belong. If you are not a member currently, you will be at some point in your life. If you joined this group recently, many years ago, or have been included in many of the subgroups over time, know you are not alone. Reach out to others who are experiencing the same emotions (I'm speaking to myself here as much as anyone reading this!).

It's good to be with people who "get it".