When the Holidays Aren't so Happy

The music is playing. Lights are twinkling. Decorations are everywhere. This is the time of year that you are supposed to be happy, joyous, and merry.

But what if you just aren't feeling it for some reason? What if you're leaning toward Scrooge instead of Buddy the Elf? What if you are counting down the days to Christmas so you can take down all the trappings?

This was me the second half of December.

I've always been Miss Christmas Spirit. Growing up I loved seeing our house decked out in the thousands (okay, maybe an exaggeration) of Christmas ceramics my mom had created. The anticipation of what was under the tree for me, and would it finally be the music box I wanted, was unbearable at times. I listened to the Christmas 8 tracks or cassettes (Yes, I'm that old!) my mom had in her collection. The spirit of Christmas was alive and well.

As I grew older and became the Christmas creator in my home the only thing that changed was the type of decorations and the location. Although, living with a borderline Scrooge made it a little difficult at times. I filled the shelves with angels, Santas, elves, nativity pieces, and more. I watched the movies, from classic to Hallmark. I even had my second child on Christmas morning. (Okay, that one wasn't planned and I don't really recommend it.)

The first Christmas without my husband was different, of course, but I still put up a tree and decorations. I still watched the movies and listened to the music. Since I was the "Christmasy" one, his absence didn't change the mechanics of the holiday season. Of course, emotionally it left a huge hole, but we held tight to our memories.

Every December since I have still continued Christmas. The tree, decorations, music, adding to my Christmas bear collection still happened and still brought me joy and some peace.

Until this year.

This was the fourth Christmas without Maddy. It started like the others. Tree and decorations went up. I even bought some new things to go with my newly remodeled home. I listened to several different music stations. But as the days went by I started to notice some changes. I was being more nostalgic. My mind kept drifting back to the holidays of my childhood. I was remembering Dad putting the huge C9 bulbs on the tree, the decorations and where they were in the living room, the pajamas, and the many Christmas Eves spent together. My music tastes were shifting toward the classic "Time Life" singers and songs. Perry Como, Dean Martin, Bing Crosby, Rosemary Clooney, and the like were what I wanted to hear.

The closer the calendar got to the 25th, the more melancholy I became. I was lonely. I was sick. I was tired of doing another holiday without my guy.

**I feel I need to stop here and clarify - I know the real reason for the season. I know that I should have been focusing on Christ instead of myself and my situation. I know He is the source of my joy. But I was having a hard time getting through to myself.**

Maybe it was because the annual family Christmas Eve event wasn't going to be at my house. Maybe it was because the weather was more like April than December. (Seriously, it was 85 degrees on the 24th!) Maybe I was just having a really big pity party and I wanted someone to help me out.

Whatever the reason for my lack of Holly Jolly-ness, I know that when the decorations came down, when I my health improved, when my house went back to some sense of normal, I started coming out of my fog. Joy was seeping back in my soul. The cloud of grief seemed to be lifting from over me. I felt like myself again.

I feel like I was cheated out of Christmas because of my mental and emotional slide. Maybe next year will be better. Maybe I can keep my head above the tumultuous waves of grief that tried to knock me down. I will do my best to focus on the good, and keep my eyes on Christ.

This holiday season reminded me that it's okay not to be okay. You don't have to be strong and hold it together all the time. Grief is a game of Chutes and Ladders and sometimes you slide back. I was also reminded that you have to keep chugging forward, even if it feels like you are trudging through quicksand.