Who Am I?

Our identity is what tells others, and ourselves, who we are. If you want to fly, cash a check, buy a car, or enter a military installation, you have to show some form of identity. We take steps to secure our identity so others do not steal it. Who we are is an important part of our lives.

As we go throughout our lives we gain, and lose, identities. We begin as a son or daughter, brother or sister, then become a student, friend, and playmate. As we grow, our identities center around our lifestyle and activities. We may be a basketball player, cheerleader, runner, or singer. Jobs give us another group of identities. Adulthood found me as a wife, teacher, mother, friend, aunt, daughter, sister, sister-in-law, niece, and granddaughter. I also gained roles through association. I became a fireman's wife, lineman's wife, and deacon's wife. These identities create a sense of belonging, a feeling of knowing what we should be doing with our lives. Each role brings with it different duties and responsibilities. If you really think about it, your list could be quite long and changeable depending on the situation.

Sometimes our identity may change because we choose a new path. A new career, baby, marriage, or move creates a new dynamic in our lives. Other times our identity changes because of circumstances beyond our control. For me, this was a different kind of loss.

For over 30 years I have listened to stories of what happens at a fire, different jobs Maddy was working, what was happening in the lives of his coworkers, or what was being planned at church. I helped with the fireman's Christmas party, did a multitude of tasks at church, and followed the joys and heartbreaks of his fellow linemen.

When Maddy died, I lost multiple identities. The first time I had to check that I was single nearly did me in. No longer am I a wife or lover. I'm no longer a lineman's, fireman's, or deacon's wife. Technically I'm not a daughter-in-law anymore, although he still claims me. I miss hearing about all the guys. I couldn't pick most of them out of a lineup, but I know a lot about them. I miss hearing about the fire calls he's gone on. Losing this part of my life has been just as difficult. It's amazing how some things just become ingrained in your daily life.

I gained some new identities. I'm now a widow, a fireman's widow, and head of household (which comes with a host of new jobs). I have more tasks to do now than I can even complete. Going from a couple to a single with no warning has been a learning experience.

No matter the circumstances or reasoning, anytime you lose or change life identities it can be a traumatic experience. The learning curve is sharp and steep. Luckily I do not have to navigate these waters alone. I have people helping me figure out many of the things that were "Maddy" jobs. Finding someone who can lead you through the rough seas because they have sailed them or know how make the trip smoother is the key to making your journey easier, or at least less nauseating.

No matter which role I have to focus on at any given time, I'm glad I am solid in the most important identity I have - I am a child of the King. Knowing that I am a child of God helps me manage the other responsibilities I have. By focusing on His strength, His love, and His grace, I can navigate those rough seas. Remember, He can walk on water! I sing a song in church that says, "Sometimes He calms the storm, and other times He calms His child." It gives me great comfort to know that THIS identity will never be taken from me!