The Ghosts of Christmas

This time of year not a day goes by that you don't hear a reference to "A Christmas Carol" by Charles Dickens. Usually it is someone being called Scrooge. There have been very few times in my life that I have felt like a Scrooge. I love Christmas and everything that goes with it (except some of the movies). I love to sing Christmas songs and I usually will sing a special or two at church. Josh Grobin's version of "O Holy Night" is my favorite. I love to see the lights and ornaments on the tree. The ceramic nativity that my mother made sits in a special place. I am always ready to decorate and celebrate! This year my Christmas spirit is still there, but it's just a little dimmer.

Every year I seem to be visited by the Ghosts of Christmas, although not for the reason they visited Scrooge. I enjoy reminiscing about the Christmases when I was little and thinking about the presents I got. I always wanted a jewelry box. We were allowed to open one present on Christmas Eve. I would always look for the one that I thought was a jewelry box. I almost always ended up with a Life Saver Storybook that Mom always wrapped for each of us. I remember the years that my dad was still with us and the quirky things he would do. I also remember the Christmases early in my marriage and the lean years. We didn't have much, but we had each other. As children came the season took on a new meaning as we saw it through their eyes. This year all those Christmases past are just a little more special. I look back at pictures and remember those things we did. Memories are all I have of Maddy and I cherish them all.

My Christmas Present is the beginning of a new set of memories. Maddy could at times be called a Scrooge. He didn't care for the music, decorations, and all the trappings of the season as much as I did, but he tolerated most of it for me. This year I still put up the tree and decorations in the house, but not as many as last year. There are no lights on the outside or lighted garland on the porch. I will admit, lack of energy and knowing I'd have to put it all away later kept me from getting too much out. As I unpacked the decorations this year I stopped many times to remember when I got something or think about what Maddy would say when I had put them up before. As Christmas Day approaches I find myself just waiting until I can put it all away. My joy is just not where it usually is this time of year. Friends and family try to keep my spirits up, and I try to put on a brave front, but inside I'm just not feeling festive.

I used to look forward to the Christmases to come. Now the thought of Christmas future makes me apprehensive. I look forward to the day when I have grand babies to share the season with, but I know I will have that ache that Maddy was not able to enjoy them. I see a future without him and I feel like Scrooge did - scared of what lies ahead. I wish I could be like him and somehow change the future and Maddy will be in it, but I know that is impossible. The practical side of my brain tells me it will be easier as time goes by. My emotional side is giving my practical side a dirty look and wonders how anything could make it better.

The one thing I do focus on during the Christmas season is the reason we celebrate. Christ should be the center of our celebrations. We should remember the birth of our Lord and Savior and what a miracle it was. Christ is the only one who was born with the purpose to die. This year, even though I may not be full of Christmas spirit, I am still in awe of the lowly birth of our King. Maddy is spending his Christmases with Him now.

"And the angel said to them, “Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. And this will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in swaddling cloths and lying in a manger.” And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying, “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!” Luke 2:10-15